For awhile now, my daughter and her kids have been living with me in this 900 sq ft house. She came here from a collapsing personal life, and my idea was that I could provide a safe place that would also not cost her anything [other than her freedom] to heal in, to find her center again and to redirect her energy. To look at it another way, I went into full on mama bear mode, problem solving everything that appeared on the horizon. Over time I was told to stop saying this, stop doing that, and I worried so much all the time that I didn’t sleep well, I began to feel as though I were being put in time out while the kids ran wild over everyone. I couldn’t focus on my own interests, and fell into an old family pattern of being a maid, a cook, a laundress and taking care of everyone’s needs [as perceived by me] first, and having to keep my opinion to myself in the process. This was not fertile ground for harmony, so harmony became another problem for me to solve.
To do that, it would help to know what harmony really is in the first place.
It probably isn’t one person singing and the other person twitching.
The crescendo should be soaring, not deafening.
The way life would design it, I lost contact with close friends who were local, I ran out of money to drive 80 miles to be around a group I liked, I ran out of energy to do the drive anyhow, and somehow kept on doing things like falling, breaking things in my body, experiencing bouts of narcolepsy and depression that just would not lift long enough so that I might stop thinking in ways that made the quicksand come closer to my mouth.
i would force myself to do my best, feeling much of the time as though I were being flayed by the sound of children arguing, guts turning to stone whenever my daughter was having a tough day.
Then something happened. I began to desire something else, The words came across to me one day from Ramana Maharishi that all things belong to God, that nothing is ours.
Anytime at all, I could take my hands off the wheel, and life might anthropomorphically, sigh in relief and take over, take the vehicle where it supposed to go, and that all things connected with this will be handled appropriately. I didn’t need to worry, I could trust in the benevolence of life at its source and know that it is fine. I could untie the strings from the stories I tell myself about what is going on and let the stories float away, I could tell new stories, and not identify with them, either. I could know, that we are all created by love, out of love, and that there is nothing else but that love. All kinds of things can happen, do happen, might not happen, and I am not in charge of any of it.
Now, to so many people this sounds elementary, but even though I have heard it so many times, this time, it had something else with it, an experience of Joy, perhaps it could be called Darshan, if that’s not too big a word. It doesn’t seem to big a word to me, because my depression is gone, and I never though it would be.
My family moved in with me and brought chaos and noise, delight and fear for their safeties and futures. I had the beautiful gift of discovering that I am not able to fix anything, unless it is an old lamp I found at the dump. Through fear, and sadness, grief and depression I have tired out the system so completely that there was nothing else to do but stop.
I am grateful. I thought I was saving them.
They were saving me.