I have had a lovely vacation from long term depression and the occasional sense of despair, but I notice that whether the moment of pure knowing comes for a flash or for a week [or 2] it recedes.  I am enormously grateful to have had that, and to know that deep hole I have been in now has a ladder, and the lid has been removed from the top, so I can see the sky.  It is a gift to know that the return is always to love, and that whatever happens between, it is what holds everything together, tears everything apart, stands in the way, and makes the way clear.  So, no bitching about Grace going behind the curtain again, just looking for the reminders that she is there, flipping the switch, cranking the crank, and smiling quietly to herself.  Unlike OZ, though, she is no fake.

Ram Das said that he didn’t express the love he felt for people indiscriminately because if he did, they would never leave him alone.  Krishna Das describes their guru as the most beautiful being in the universe all wrapped up in a blanket, and how nobody could stay away from him, he was such pure radiance and love.  He also says that when people are responding to his singing, it is Baba who is working through him, not taking credit for himself, not claiming to be enlightened or special – separate from anyone who comes to hear him.

I thought of this as I sat in the audience watching the energy rise and fall in the place, seeing bits of transformative fire fall on people, and could not miss the expression of my own frozen Karma that pops up every time I go out in public to an event I plan to enjoy.  Right in front of me sat a couple, the woman clearly transported by the kirtan, participating and glowing, and her boyfriend, who, if I were making assumptions, [and I am] looked like a Marine, held himself with perfect stillness and silence throughout the whole thing.  I wondered if he had come with her as a favor. I thought he must really like her, because he didn’t seem to care one way or the other about kirtan.  It seemed as though he could take it or leave it.

At one point, Krishna Das talked about a saint who had been completely misunderstood, and that of course, saints were misunderstood, how could we understand them, they are saints!  Then, he launched into a wonderful rendition of Jesus is on the Mainline.  People got up and danced, and waved their arms, a sense of delight filling the room.  The man in from of me seemed to soften a tiny bit, tapped his foot to the music and relaxed the muscles in his neck.

I bring him up because I know he is me.  I have such a hard time letting myself open to anything, any joy, particularly in public, I just don’t trust it, it’s so much easier for me to be with it when I am alone, but then, I am alone and not relating from my heart with people.  This is not my gift, I have been trying to remember if there was a time when connecting from the heart with anyone wasn’t put in the shame box and tied up with a humiliation bow.  Alcohol was helpful, until it wasn’t.

Is it that important to express it?  Is it enough for now to not be an asshole whenever possible? Is it enough to keep reminding myself that everything I see gets interpreted in the light of whatever karma needs burning today?

This bridge has to be built out of more than words, more than intentions.  I can see heaven from here, but it is more than one finger bone away.